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I recently went through an experience that shook me more than I expected.

I was supposed to go to Kailash with my teacher—a dream, perhaps my deepest desire.

Months went into saving money, preparing my body, walking, working out, preparing my mind and, above all, keeping the spirit alive.

And then, suddenly, there was no visa mail from the organisers.

The journey seemed to disappear in a moment.

When I heard the news, I told myself, I am fine. It is okay. If it happens, it happens.

But within 24 hours, my mind went bonkers.

I questioned everything.

Was it the organisers? Was there politics? Was it badly managed? Had I done something wrong? Was I not ready? Was Mahadev telling me I shouldn’t go?

And then came the comparison:

Why are others going and I am not?

I blamed everyone.

And eventually, I realised something uncomfortable.

Greater desire often means greater pain when it goes unfulfilled.

And the more we expect from someone we deeply respect and love—even our teacher—the greater the blame when those expectations are not met.

Pain becomes anger. And anger clouds the mind. With an angry mind, we react and hurt others.

Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita (Chapter 2, Verses 62–63) that desire gives rise to anger, and anger leads to the destruction of discrimination.

I didn’t just read those words.

I experienced them.

I felt them happening within me.

Then another thought came.

Can we have desires without becoming prisoners of them?

Can I look forward to something deeply, prepare for it wholeheartedly, and yet leave a small space within me for the possibility that it may not happen?

Can I give even my strongest desire the benefit of doubt?

Perhaps it may not happen the way I imagined.

A friend reminded me of a simple line:

“Sabko sab kuch nahi milta…”

Everyone doesn’t get everything.

And sometimes, perhaps, that is for the good.

Then came the news.

The Kailash-Mansarovar route was hit by devastating flash floods in Nepal, with pilgrims reported missing, including Indians travelling towards Kailash.

And then I realised something that stopped me in my tracks.

Our planned travel dates were the same as the dates of the disaster.

What I had experienced as denial suddenly looked very different.

What if what I saw as disappointment was actually protection?

What if I was angry at something I simply wasn’t meant to understand yet?

I don’t know.

And perhaps I don’t need to.

Perhaps life doesn’t always explain itself when something happens.

Perhaps sometimes, we understand much later.

So the question I am left with is not whether every desire should be abandoned.

It is whether we can desire without demanding.

Prepare without assuming.

Hope without clinging.

And when life says No, can we pause before turning that ‘No‘ into anger, blame or suffering?

Maybe there are no immediate answers.

Maybe all we need is to sit in silence for a while.

Look at our desires.
Our expectations.
Our anger.
Our need to control.

And ask ourselves quietly:

What if life is not denying me, but showing me something I cannot see yet?