Reflection on 40 Years of Marriage

Over this long span of marriage, our roles have beautifully evolved from partners to parents, and I’m grateful for the journey we have shared.

As we approach my 40th wedding anniversary this June, it’s striking how our roles have evolved. The reminders to eat on time, manage medication, and avoid harsh weather mirror a mother’s care. The gentle scolding for unhealthy habits or caution against excessive interactions with strangers also reflects a nurturing role.

While this dynamic has fostered a deep bond, it’s essential to balance care with mutual respect and partnership. Our relationship has grown, and we’re grateful for the journey we’ve shared.

MATAJI & PITA JI SYNDROME.

A Glimpse into Traditional Relationships
In the old days, husbands and wives wouldn’t address each other by their names. Instead, they’d call out to each other as “Pitaji” (father) or “Mataji” (mother), especially after having children. Over time, they’d naturally assume the roles of Pitaji and Mataji, embodying the responsibilities and respect that came with these titles.

Evolving Dynamics
As children grew up and moved out, the couple would be left alone. The wife would take care of her husband’s needs, and they’d often exert control over each other. This dynamic was rooted in their roles as Pitaji and Mataji, with the wife caring for her husband like a mother would.

The Pitaji-Mataji Phenomenon
Even when calling out to each other, they’d use the titles Pitaji and Mataji, prefixed with their child’s name. This practice reinforced their roles and created a deep-seated dynamic that shaped their relationship. Ultimately, they’d become Pitaji and Mataji to each other, more than just husband and wife.

A Glimpse into the Past: Joint Families and Respectful Address :

In the 1950s and 1960s, joint families were the norm, and certain customs governed interpersonal relationships. Husbands and wives often refrained from addressing each other by their names, instead using affectionate and respectful terms like “ye ji” (a polite way of saying “listen” or “hello”). Children would refer to their parents as “Father” or “Mother,” and spouses would address each other in relation to their children, such as “Child’s father” or “Child’s mother.”

A Culture of Respect and Roles
This cultural practice reflected a deeper dynamic where roles and responsibilities were clearly defined. As families navigated life’s challenges together, parents earned respect and authority, and children learned to address them with reverence. Spouses adapted to their roles, often prioritizing family duties and responsibilities over personal preferences.

Evolution of Family Dynamics
Over time, these dynamics shaped the family’s structure and relationships, with parents guiding their children and spouses working together to maintain harmony. This traditional approach to family life has evolved significantly, but its legacy continues to influence contemporary family values and relationships.

The Motherly Spouse:

Understanding thePhenomenon of Wives Assuming a Maternal Role in Long-Term Marriages

Marriage is a dynamic relationship that evolves over time, with partners often adopting various roles to sustain harmony and emotional connection. In some long-term marriages, particularly after several decades, a fascinating psychological shift occurs where the wife begins to assume a maternal role toward her husband. This phenomenon, where a wife starts treating her husband with the same care, dominance, and nurturing attitude that she extends to her children, can be observed in many cultures and even among notable figures like Mahatma Gandhi, who referred to his wife Kasturba as “Ba” (mother in Gujarati). This transformation raises intriguing questions about marital dynamics, psychological conditioning, and sociocultural influences.

Psychological and Emotional Underpinnings

1. Natural Caregiving Instincts: Women, especially mothers, often develop deeply ingrained caregiving behaviors. After years of nurturing children, these instincts may extend to their husbands, particularly if the husband willingly accepts or even encourages such treatment. The wife’s role as the family’s emotional anchor can blur the lines between spousal and maternal love.
2. Role Reversal in Aging Marriages: As couples age, traditional marital roles may shift. A husband who was once the dominant provider might become more dependent due to health issues or retirement, while the wife, accustomed to managing the household, assumes a more authoritative position. This can lead to a subtle mother-son dynamic, where the wife oversees her husband’s well-being with protective dominance.
3. Cultural and Societal Conditioning: In many cultures, the ideal wife is portrayed as self-sacrificing and nurturing, akin to a mother figure. Over time, these expectations may unconsciously shape marital interactions. Mahatma Gandhi’s reference to Kasturba as “Ba” reflects this—his reverence for her was intertwined with her caretaking role, elevating her to a maternal status in his eyes.

The Impact on Marital Dynamics

1. Increased Emotional Security: For some husbands, being cared for in a maternal way provides comfort and emotional stability. They may appreciate the structured care and attention, especially in later years when independence diminishes.
2. Potential Loss of Romantic Spark: However, this shift can also dilute the romantic and egalitarian aspects of marriage. When a wife becomes more of a mother than a partner, the relationship may lose its passion, becoming more functional than intimate.
3. Power Imbalance: A wife’s maternal dominance can create an unequal dynamic where the husband assumes a passive, childlike role. While some men may accept this willingly, others might feel emasculated or stifled.

Historical and Modern Examples

The case of Mahatma Gandhi and Kasturba illustrates how deep this dynamic can run. Gandhi, who preached self-discipline and austerity, saw Kasturba not just as a wife but as a moral and nurturing guide—hence the honorific “Ba.” Similarly, in many traditional Indian households, elderly wives often take on matriarchal roles, overseeing not just their children but also their husbands’ daily lives with a firm yet loving hand.

In modern marriages, this phenomenon persists, though often in subtler ways. A wife reminding her husband to eat on time, managing his medications, or even scolding him for unhealthy habits mirrors a mother’s role. While this can foster a deep bond, it also requires conscious effort to maintain mutual respect and partnership.

Conclusion

The transition from wife to mother figure in a long-term marriage is a complex interplay of psychology, culture, and aging. While it can strengthen emotional bonds, it also risks altering the fundamental equality of the relationship. For couples navigating this shift, maintaining awareness—and ensuring that caregiving does not overshadow companionship—is key. After all, a marriage thrives best when both partners remain lovers, friends, and equals, even as they grow old together.