Parenting is a beautiful journey. It is a joy to see the new born who would easily fit into our palms, grow into an infant to a toddler and so on! It is unsaid that the more they grow, the more we feel that they were better when they were younger (pun intended!)

Our twins are about 4.9 years now. Through this journey, there have been various situations, which demanded appropriate actions or words from our side. Some situations were hilarious, few were embarrassing, many that made us feel loss of words, times where they made us want to hide our face, and ofcourse those that made us angry/ upset.

About 12-15 months ago, our son Anay had a phase where his anger was at it’s peak. He would get angry at smallest of things, If something were not done according to him, he would have a fit of rage; someone would take his toys he would start throwing tantrums; if he was sleepy or hungry he would get extremely annoyed and shout.

We were ofcourse concerned about his behavior. Neither Arpita nor me get angry this way. We would keep wondering – whose genes are these? Instead of blaming each other, we started thinking of solutions –

• Engage him in various activities so that he doesn’t get time for this
• Channelize his anger for something constructive
• Raise voice when he raises voice. This way he will understand that this behavior is not accepted
• Hammering again and again to make him understand it’s not the right way
• Punishments like – making him stand in a corner and no one talks to him, which make him not want to do it again

While these were regular solutions, we realized that he wasn’t a regular kid. He is an extraordinary boy who just needs some guidance. We decided that let’s counter him in a way he least expects.

Often he would say words like, ‘I will hit you’, or would just go out of control physically and would be difficult to hold him. We decided that every time he gets angry, we would say, “LOVE YOU!” If he says, “I will hit you”, we shall reply, “But we will LOVE YOU!”

The idea was that though his anger was a cause of concern and many times irritating, yet he needed to be handled gently and with love. Any aggressive action or words would maybe make him more aggressive.

We thought that this is the best possible way to reduce his anger. We knew it would take time to work. But we were extremely sure that whatever approach we take, we did not want to hurt his self-belief, which is utmost important thing for a child to develop. For all that we know, Anay might not even know and understand what he was doing. May that was the only way he could express his feelings then.

Things improved faster than we expected. His out-bursts started reducing gradually. Then it became a game for him. Everytime he was angry, he knew we would smile or just say – LOVE YOU. The moment he got angry he would get a smile, or an affectionate hug from someone in the family. Anay would be all smiles within minutes.

It has been almost a year and his anger has almost vanished. He has become a kid who now tells others not to get angry. He will also tell them reasons why someone should not get angry!

It is such situations, which make or break the self-belief of a child. If we mould them with positive actions and words, they will start looking upto themselves. If we use our strength and voice to either hit them or shout at them, they will start going into a cocoon. Once they start doing that, it is an excruciating task to get them out of it. By the time they grow up to become teens, they are out of our control. Then friends start being more important and they easily take the wrong path. This is essentially due to our mistake in parenting.

As parents, we need consciously mould them positively and have patience. Actions and words, which bring about permanent positive change in kids will always need to be given time. These transformations are never overnight. But once the kids make that change, we would have started to nudge them towards great things in life!

To me that is the job of a parent, and not just providing them with basic needs. They are like plants. We plant them, nurture them, nurture them and nurture them until they become huge banyan trees that stand strong irrespective of the situation and also provide shade to the needy!

#parenting #mistakes in parenting #self belief #nurture #hug #love