On a Thursday evening before my tango dance class, I visited Karthik’s Mithai shop in Indiranagar for some chaat. I sat on a stool to eat and soon a young girl shared the small table space. Anila and I started with a small talk about the chaat and the place. Soon, she became comfortable and sought advice.
Anila – May I ask you something? I’m thinking about how to deal with my mother.
Me (nodding) – Tell me, I will try to help.
Anila – I lost my father three years ago. My mother has changed after that. My sister is studying in college, and my brother and I are working. My mother has always been a working woman, financially independent, and travels within India and to foreign countries. But she is getting too inclined towards rituals, God, etc. We are getting into arguments often. I think something is missing between us.
With lots of examples, I explained the situation to Anila. On her part, she was attentive and related/connected with each example. Without getting into the details, here’s what I explained:
- Always be kind to your mother, no matter what. That is the least you can do for her.
- Mother has lost her husband. Her equation with everything has changed.
- For 25 years, her life was different because it was molded around your dad and children. That mold is broken. She is shaken up.
- Today mother is treading alone on unknown territory, looking at the world with new eyes. Give her time to explore.
- Your mother has lived her life responsibly, she will be concerned about the impact of her actions on her children.
- Mother needs time to find her bearings so she leans towards God for strength and courage.
As a grown-up working daughter, what will you do for your mother?
- Show maturity – take care of her. Observe her, and listen to what she is saying. Reply if required, don’t react.
- She has played mother for long. Don’t expect the same things from her cause her equation with herself has changed.
- Remove the mother image from your mind. Don’t bind her to your idea of what a mother should do or not do.
- Don’t isolate her. Watch TV together. Involve her in activities and family events. Make sure that your extended family doesn’t isolate her.
- Your mother is exploring herself, let her change. You ACCEPT the change in her.
- Her thoughts have not yet crystallized so don’t judge or hold her against her words.
- Give her time for herself once a month, as you youngsters say – give her, her space.
- At this point, she is vulnerable and sensitive. Support her emotionally, you are her children, and be her strength. Be friends/friendly, just like you needed it as a teenager.
- As children you relied on her, and now she wants to lean on you. Be there for her, guide her, help her, and patiently listen to her rantings.
- Take it on as a project, and apply office rules.
- You and your siblings take turns to entertain your mother. Go for movies, picnics, shopping, and early morning walks.
- Look after her so that she grows strong. Get her ready to take on the world.
By this time, we had finished eating two rounds of chaat. It was time for my class and Anila had to go home.
Anila – (giving me a warm hug) Meeting you is like divine intervention. I was wondering what to do for my mother. You have shown me the path, I’m so grateful to you. 🙇♀️😇
Anila – I’m sorry, I don’t know much about your story but I’m sure it’s been a long journey.
Me – Yes, long enough to give you on-the-spot advice. 😉
We parted ways happily. Anila was content because she saw light, I was content because I could guide her. 😊
Incredibly sound and mature advise that has come to you from world of experience from your life as well as learning from the people you interact…liked the point that you were neutral withoutaking anyone’s side. Well done!!!!!
Thank you! 😊
This is a very timely, grounded and actionable list of behaviors for anyone dealing with any kind of relationship dynamics. Your lucid, simple yet sensitive approach enables the person to understand whilst maintaining their own sense of sanity during times of chaos. It’s like a dance in step with a partner, where one must know their space but also give/acknowledge the space of their partner, to make it a complete team work. Being the bigger person, keeping the pre-established roles aside, don’t isolate/abandon, are some of the points that harmonized with me the most!! Thanks for writing and sharing this valuable nugget of your experience dear Sneha!!!
Glad you see the behaviour across relationship. That’s deep. ❤️
I guess, ‘keeping the pre-established roles aside’ is the most difficult part for people.
Connecting the behaviour to other relationships is deep. ❤️
I guess, ‘keeping the pre-established roles aside’ is the most difficult part for people.
Beautiful Guidance 🫡
Thank you! 😃
Perfect! Sneha you just hit the right notes. It comes with experience I’m sure the young girl has gone with changed views aberout her mother. Angel in disguise.
Thanks dear! Yeah, it was great seeing the joy of clarity on Anila’s face.
Nice read. In general, this is what everyone needs to do, while dealing with our parents.
Reading your writings is always lovely.
Thanks Sunil. 😊
You are an awesome example of a caring son.
I wish every Anila gets a Sneha in all the situations where we are unable to act and unable to decide
That’s really sweet of you dear!! Well said.
I wish so too….😊 Timely guidance is essential.
How very beautiful, so very heart warming.
Thanks dear! 🙂
Well explained and written point by point. Loved the last point, ‘look after her’ generally children forget what are the needs of their parents after certain age. Well written, it should go in a magazine it will help lot many adolescents.
Yeah, we need to teach children how to look after parents. This has to happen by showing respect to each other at home. When a parent falls sick, instead of pushing it aside we need to nurture the thought – what can you do to help now?
It was for me. I am the person who was taking advice. Recently, I had a fight with mom. I was making a mistake because of my own prejudices, childhood anger forgetting all good deeds, time and selfless service my mom gave me.
Your writing boosted that positive feeling covered with burnt over ash of temporary anger.
👌👌👌❣️👍🙏
I’m so happy to make a difference to your approach through this post. You made my day! 😁
It was for me. I am the person who was taking advice. Recently, I had a fight with mom. I was making a mistake because of my own prejudices, childhood anger forgetting all good deeds, time and selfless service my mom gave me.
Your writing boosted that positive feeling covered with burnt over ash of temporary anger.
👌👌👌❣️👍🙏
P.S. Bulleted list format is deterring the organic and humane flavour of article. IMHO.
Well, bulleted lists are easier to read and understand.
Else this would have been a 4 page essay. 🥺
It’s hard when u lose a parent it shakes ur world . Goid advice as u grow old u need the children around like they needed u. Especially now she has lost her world
It’s a loss for the surviving spouse and children. Children have to scale up to the situation.
Insightful. After all, it is coming from your own extensive personal life experience. 🙂
Yeah, thanks!
No one guided my son like this. Poor boy he had no idea what “take care of your mother” means. 😜
I am sure that lady must be satisfied with your precious suggestions. You have gained tremendous experience from various cities, countries working in different fields with different people and even with friends like us, well wishers and most particularly from the era in which we are living. Whatever you have learnt, you simplified it and presented it to her. We are proud of you, Ma‘am. It is a privilege to have such a precious person like you deeply connected to us. Great…Great…Great job !!!
Yes, Anila is a young girl and she was truly happy to receive the advice. Thanks Milind for your appreciation. ❤️
Very true and practical advise.👌👌🙏
Thanks, Pramila. 😃
Very nice 🙂 made me emotional and no words to describe. Thanks for sharing.
Awwwww 🤗 Got to pat your back for your journey too.
Perfect counselling!!
Thank you!! 🙂
Contentment in guiding as well as positive inputs for the young girl…. and happiness for the readers….all well accomplished…
Well said!!! Thanks dear!! 🙂