“Why ? Why ? Why did you do this ?”
My anger was at its peak . I was so stupefied. How could that child break my new set of cup saucers? How careless! And why were his parents not paying attention ?
Oh lord !
I still remember that incident from years ago. How i kept asking “why” ?
Whenever someone makes a mistake, especially children, the first thing or first word that we utter is “Why” . Isn’t it ?
Well over years of maturing and developing much better understanding , I now realise how important it is to move the “Why” to “What” at times.
Yes !
For a moment just ask yourself the same “Why” questions if you would have done something not acceptable . It’s difficult to answer why you did the act after it is done.
“Why” questions put us in the spot , making us feel guilty . Also it puts our mind into an auto defensive state.
Do you remember the last time someone asked you “Why ?”
How did you feel? Good ? Comfortable? Answer is NO for me.
Let’s move to the “What” .
When you ask ” What made you do that ” or ” What were you thinking / feeling when you did that ” makes you go over the incident, introspect within to get the intention out. This leads to better awareness of the self and understanding.
“What ” questions make you think about the actions ,situations and feelings that led to the issue. Thus find a way to correct the whole scene.
Why questions hold us in the past whereas What questions lead to investigation and learning. Thus creating a better future.
I guess we need not get stuck in the “Why”. Instead we need to move to “What now “.
Lets see some more real life examples …
- Say you have applied for a job/ an opportunity/ position . Incase you do not hear back, you’d question Why . And you may answer, Maybe I did not present myself well. Or This dress/day is so unlucky. Or This job just was not meant for me . Now instead try asking yourself, What now . What skills do I need to improvise? What will make me feel better today? Maybe learn some new skills. Look up best interview examples online. Or Just go for a coffee date with a friend.
- Say your maid/worker did not turn up and you have guests coming over. I guess it’s best to keep all the Why questions for a later time and focus on What now. Could you find a replacement or order stuff from outside or postpone the event. What is important is to shift the energy to something constructive . Why questions can go on and on. What questions lead to high value answers.
- I don’t like my job, said a friend over a casual phone call. So instead of listening to her cranky answers to Why, I just asked her What do u like doing . To this her response just shifted her cranky mood to excitement as she answered , I love writing, travelling, exploring. Bingo ! She found her way ! This led her talking to her bosses and moving to the sales and marketing department that gave her opportunities for exploration.
- Similarly when my son exclaimed, I feel terrible today, I asked him What makes you feel like that . He said, maybe the last session in school was too boring. Actually, maybe I am too sleepy . Actually mom, my friends didn’t come to class so i missed . So it all vents out . A quick nap and he is good!
Step by step lets all move to more self improvements.
So next time your phone just crashes or you are stuck in traffic , instead of “Why is this happening to me ? ” move to “What can i ….”.
Happy problem solving .
